60. This number represents the amount of days I have been unemployed…
Quitting a job where I had been overworked, under appreciated, stressed, and lifeless gave me no greater satisfaction. Speaking my mind. Being heard. Loud. Direct. I was inspired and a part of me that had died was reawakened.
In the beginning, my body was allowed to melt. I submersed myself into the power of time off. No mixing. Customers. Service. Complaints. Nothing. I was alone. Quickly, I was reintroduced to a side of myself that I had lost. Nostalgia flooded my soul and I grasped tightly to the company of faded memories that once made me feel most alive. I felt it. Passion. Inspiration. Creativity. All slowly seeping back into my pores. Every inch of my fiber was being possessed. The feeling was intoxicating as such energy, that had been stored away, regained control. For me, that was acknowledgement. For me, that was reality. In that moment, I knew what I was born to be. All of the struggle. Internal conflict. Sleeplessness. Hate. Love. Dedication. Sweat. Blood. Emotion. It all molded into one harmoneous moment of clarity. A word so potent, I could taste it on my tongue. My senses tingled as my heart and mind collaborated effortlessly. With piercing screams, they demanded acceptance. The adrenaline paralyzed my fear as I surrendered each hesitating thought. Right there, I came to terms with who I was. I was an artist.
For the first time, I had accepted it. I embodied it. The past allowed me a good practice. While studying, I could speak the language and generate work of substantial quality. I’d argue theory and philosophy with reasonable intellect, but that was merely scratching the surface. Publicly, I’d wear a disguise. As if a chameleon, I’d adjust my color to the surrounding personality. I was a product of my environment. But this time. This time was different. No more hiding. The mask concealing my identity was torn and exposed was nothing but raw, organic expression.
Regaining confidence and stability, I needed direction. I needed an environment which cultivated and encouraged this fire. In order to prevent a divorce from this love, this talent of mine needed to be exercised and applied. So that I did. I applied. and applied. and applied again. In fact, Im currently repeating the application so frequently it is nauseatingly habitual.
I own a feeling of such certainty. It’s infused into my character and radiates boundlessly. However, this redundancy of begging for discovery becomes a weight. There appears to be limited opportunity for such a limitless mind. This restriction leaves me breathless as I eagerly continue my journey to shatter the surface and push forward. It is my hope to be able to share. To infect. Inspire. Collaborate. And communicate, while continually absorbing knowledge to aid in the shape and development of my creativity. As I desperately try preserve strength in my efforts, my motivation is constantly challenged.
Today marks the 60th day of being unemployed. Yes, put bluntly, it sucks! Limited funds plus monthy bills equals budgeted living. An equation I havent been all too familiar with. However, with sacrafice comes wisdom. I have discovered there is true power in time off. It allows for rejuvination, relaxation, and reflection. This combination yields compelling results. If it werent for these days, I would have not had the opportunity to search deep within myself. My passions refused to be smothered. I listened as they cried. I reacted in faith. Now, as I advance forward in my journey, I’ve established definition. I visualize purpose. And in time, somethings got to give.
